“I looked at him and wondered what I was in love with / how love feels when you are actually face to face”

As soon as she said that – my sister on this most anti-Hollywood of journeys – I smiled with the familiarity of it. I gave that heart-exhale that can only come from hearing a well-wrought truth spoken out in a way not quite ready to roll off my tongue.

I smiled because it is not easy to explore love in a way which engages not just heart but mind and muscle. Not just from the unearthing and nurturing of Love itself but fighting the counter-cultural battle which has along the way lodged overexposed imagery of blazing fires and lingering sunset conversations and well-harmonised laughter  deep into my consciousness. Making me feel less than adequate and unsure of my feet on this strange journey.

And yet these words whispered back to me that it’s a good journey you’re treading together. And the rewards potentially so rich. I’ll take an oak instead of a rose. 

We examine every other aspect of our lives with rigour and grapple with uncertainty. I’m learning that it’s satisfying if confusing to do the same with men and relationship.

Because then there are days like the ones spent lying beneath the lodgepole pines. Those rare and mysterious ‘yes, this’ moments. Deeply rooted and in perfect, courageous harmony with the wind. How could I have forgotten.

And inevitably the grapple will come back and the journey continues uncertain. But slowly, ever so slowly, this shoot we’re growing takes shape. And we’ll see if it’s what we pray it is.