why have i come?

Earlier this week, while wrangling with God for a solution to an emotional minefield, a friend got in touch to say ‘don’t worry there’s no rush. just spend time soaking in His presence, for no other reason than because He is worth it’.

This felt like liquid honey being poured straight into my heart from my heavenly Father’s; soothing words of encouragement and reassurance. And yet I spent most of the rest of the week snatching moments here and there. always finding reasons not to actually kneel at the feet of Him who is Worth It All. But today I sat, and came across Jesus curing a boy with a demon in Matthew 17. Why could the disciples not cast out the demon they ask Jesus? ‘Because of your little faith. Truly I tell you.. If you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain: ‘Move from here to there’ and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you’. 

A bit less me, a bit more faith, and mountains will be brought low and valleys raised up. Meanwhile, I carry on living my life demanding my requests be met, craving power and worldly approval and love, asking for everything except the mustard seed of faith which would make all the difference.

What do I need today? I need wisdom. But I know I can’t come to God because I want His wisdom to come and solve my problem. He must first be sought because He is worth seeking. Faith will rise as we soak in His presence. And that shred of honest faith is what allows us to ask God for wisdom, believing in His promise that He is generous and faithful.

Jesus’ opening words ‘what do you seek?’ in John’s gospel are so powerful. I long for my honest answer to be ‘You. You first and foremost’ but I know that that is so often not the case. So often these are the honest answers: solutions, approva, cheap comfort. My prayer is that I would be able to answer one day ‘You and you alone!’.

I still don’t know what to do. But I am that bit more aligned with the One who is with me as I go, and that makes all the difference. And as I go about today I want to be a hearer of the word who then does, not one who looks in a mirror then immediately forgets what she saw.

Perfect, generous and unchanging Jesus. Thank you that I know you. Thank you that your thoughts are so many, so weighty, that they are too lofty for me ever to attain, and yet you make yourself known to me. Thank you that you will search my heart and know me too. I long to come to you just because. To throw away my strength and seek your low whisper with my whole heart. In my weakness, I ask for your wisdom, and that you would take away the doubt that keeps me tossing like the waves of the sea, but instead keep my foot secure and heart strong. Please take my trust in you, however small, and bless it. Guard my heart and my words, so that I can put into action the incredible gift of Love which lives within me through Jesus.

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